A man from West Yorkshire who was gored by an elephant while holidaying in Kenya has described how he played dead to escape the ordeal.
Wonderful. Another brilliant tale of how we as humans think we have a chance against the animals ... and away we go ...
Jonathan Sykes, 24, from Cleckheaton, was in a group with a guide when the animal charged at them.
Imagine that; an animal defending its territory ... If someone comes to my house, I don't charge, I shoot ... Good thing elephant hooves can't pump a 12 gauge ...
As the elephant caught him he said: "I just dropped and curled up into a ball hoping it would leave me alone".
(English Accent) ... please sir, please mista eleefaunt ... please leave me alones here ...
During the attack the elephant pierced Mr Sykes's leg, causing him to lose five pints of blood.
And of course, is anyone surprised that the English put the volume blood loss in drinking terms so its easy to understand ...
Mr Sykes and eight others had just arrived at their camp when their guide suggested they should go to look at an elephant which was nearby.
Way to go 'guide' ... that guy deserves a bonus ...
They saw the animal which then disappeared into bushes.
... but wait for it ...
"This noise started behind the bush and it just came running out, just charging out at me basically", Mr Sykes said.
Basically? Do you think this was random Mr. Sykes?
The group fled but the elephant followed Mr Sykes.
"It was really strange, lots of decisions were being made in my head really quickly", he said.
What the hell were you deciding? What makes you think you could decide anything?
"Well, I've decided not to get dead today."
Elephant: "you have no say in that."
"But, I've decided it ..."
Elephant: "And I should care about this because, why?"
How about you decide to stay locked up in your bedroom rather than venture out into the front lines of the Animal Uprising 2012. I mean, really, is this even newsworthy? A guy went sneaking up on an elephant, and he gets attacked by said Elephant. Really? Really? This is a surprise to you?
"I decided to run off to the side and start zig zagging because with the elephant being larger it can't turn as quick as a human."
... Brilliant Deduction ... really ... brilliant ...
Elephants can reach top speeds of about 25mph and Mr Sykes said that after running for around 20m (65ft) the animal caught up with him.
... so brilliant, the big slow elephant still caught your ass ...
The attack left Mr Sykes needing stitches and walking with crutches although he is expected to make a full recovery.
"I can't blame the elephant for what it's done", he said. "I just won't be going as close to them in the future."
Of course you can't blame the elephant for what its done, because God knows, Animals wouldn't mean to intentionally revolt and attack humans ... right?
... Idiots ...