Recommendations for Making Bear Friends ...

The Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission is preparing to set a bear trap to catch the bear spotted today on Metro Parkway.

Spokesman Gary Morse said this afternoon after viewing images and video of the bear, it's clear the bear has been fed by people.

"A cameraman was standing 10 feet from the bear, and the bear was not at all intimidated," Morse said. "That's not normal behavior."

He said the concern is more for the bear than people.

Black bears, he said, are not generally aggressive, but when they lose their fear of people, they can get too close, wander into traffic and become a general nuisance.

He said the hope initially is to relocate the bear to an area where it will not affect people.

But he said once a bear has been fed by humans, those habits are extremely difficult to break.

"I hate to say this, but people need to hear it," Morse said. "A fed bear is a dead bear."



Nyahayah ... Good One Morse ...

Who Knew Right? Bears like to eat stuff, and human's throw away food, so that doesn't make perfect sense or anything right?

Here's my favorite part though ... the Recommendations for meeting a bear ...


• If you do meet a black bear, it will most likely turn tail and run off. If it doesn’t, you should stop, stand still and stay calm.

... and apparently await your impending doom, and or serve up a limb to be eaten. Lets see how well this works when the Bear Population involved in the Animal Uprising 2012 starts walking around ...

• Talk to the bear in a normal, calm voice, in as much of a monotone as you can master. You can say anything you want, as there is no evidence that bears can understand English. “Hey bear, hey bear, we’re here and we’re getting out of your way now,” is easy enough to remember! If you are in a group, only one person should be the “bear talker” as several people talking will likely sound contentious to a bear, no matter what you’re saying.

... As of this posting, I've TM'd the phrase 'Bear Talker', and you will soon see it on T-shirts, bedsheets, and lady's thongs everywhere. I'd also go ahead and make it a point to designate to all of your friends before going out anywhere that you're the 'Bear Talker' in the group ... I find that talking to bears in an agitated, slurred, drunken voice after a three day bender isn't the most effective ... of course, the last thing you want is to be out at your favorite disco, and a bear comes in, and your drunken sh*t for brains buddy starts encroaching on your 'Bear Talker' status, and screws everything up ... seriously ...

Oh wait, it already said there is no evidence bears understand English ...


• Don’t approach any closer, and don’t whip out your camera and start taking pictures. It’s important not to make any sudden or abrupt movements. Let the bear see you are a human and mean no harm, by slowly waving your arms and continuing to talk in a low, firm monotone voice.

... Oh Ma Gawd Y'all, I was out with my BFF, and we saw, get this, a BEAR! So I got out my cell phone camera, and started taking pics, and then, it like, totally ripped my friends leg off ... it was like, gross ...


• Don’t offer the bear any food.

... it won't need any once its done eating your friend, so offer them up instead ...


• Avoid direct eye contact. Bears and many other animals may view this as hostile or aggressive behavior. If the bear stands up, he is only trying to see you better to figure out what you are and assess whether or not you are a threat.

... Did he just look at me? Did you just look at me brah? What the FU*K are you staring at brah? What's your fu*kin problem brah? ... Motherf*cker just looked at me ... I don't like the way you're lookin at me brah ... You better SIDDOWN brah ...


• Don’t run. Running triggers a chase response in many animals, including bears. Remember, bears can sprint at speeds of up to 30 mph. You can’t outrun a bear. If the bear paws the ground, huffs and puffs, clacks and snorts, or runs directly at you, he’s doing what is called a “bluff charge” to try to scare you off. If you stand your ground, the bear will probably stop a few feet from you and turn the other direction and run away. No matter what happens, do not run away. After the bear gets back to where he started from, you can continue slowly backing away, talking and waving your arms. He may bluff charge you several times until he is comfortable turning his back on you and leaving.

... I don't know about this 'bluff charge' thing ... did you have somebody go field test this? I like how it says 'If you stand your ground, the bear will 'Probably' stop a few feet from you ... why don't they just go all the way and say "Dudes, you have nothing to worry about ... if a bear starts charging, then just hang tight and you'll be fine!" ... Anyone that actually follows this advice won't be able to come back here and verify it anyway ...


• Don’t climb a tree. Adult black bears can climb a 100-foot tree in less than 30 seconds. Mother black bears often send their cubs up a tree when they sense danger. You don’t want to end up a tree with a couple of cubs and mama bear waiting patiently below for you all to come down! If the bear is sufficiently interested in you, you’ll just end up fending off a bear in a tree. When a dominant bear chases another bear up a tree in a battle of “who’s turf is this, anyway?” the treed bear often gets yanked to the ground and pummeled a few times to teach it a lesson. Bears survive being pummeled by other bears a lot better than people do. Don’t climb trees to escape a black bear.

... I thought you said they wouldn't charge me in the first place ... but in case this 'Bluff Charge' thing doesn't work, and I do happen to escape my first fistfight with a bear, then ok, don't climb a tree ... while holding my intestines in, and trying to stop the bleeding ... roger on that one buddy ...


• Don’t ‘play dead’, and don’t turn your back on the bear. Back away and be prepared to stop and hold your ground if your movement away seems to irritate instead of calm the bear. Clacking teeth, popping noises, moaning, woofing or barking sounds are all vocal cues that mean the bear is as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. They are not indications of aggressive intent or an imminent attack. Truly aggressive black bears are eerily silent.

... like Ninja ...


• If a Black bear attacks you: Fight back. Even if you don’t have bear repellent spray, people have successfully fended off black bear attacks using their bare hands, rocks, backpacks, and even water bottles.

... So, in case you don't run up a tree, and the 'bluff charge' isn't actually a bluff, your non drunken, calming monotone doesn't actually calm, and you survive the first pouncing by a silent ninja bear, then now its ok to go ahead and fight back, with the one foot, and half a hand you have left ... ok ... Thanks for that ...


Idiots ... When will you learn that you cannot stop an Animal Uprising 2012 with a calming monotone voice ...